has been sometime, so much. guess what, im going to london in slightly more than a week ! excited ? perhaps, not exactly. i feel slightly messed up. first, i need to break free – live free. i need to be able to freely do what i want to do – I can.

at least, i know that god exists, despite buying The God Delusion just last week.

and, i know that national service kills.

i’ll get my first and move on to civil service.

argh, so much angst. argh kill.

fucktard.

fucking cheebye !

im a brilliant young man. trust me. im brilliant !

Deep–the suppressed intellectual by a system of unthinking

One only needs the intelligence of an amoeba when he dons the uniform

Work has been filled with Ups and Downs, many things to get used to, many challenges to overcome. Sometimes I so totally miss school. I mean, it isnt just the people but the environment as well. It just brings me back to the days of night study, the long walks ( or cycles ) back home. The work environment is a whole new environment. Its more political and destructive. YUCK man . I mean I’m not refering to everyone but a few specific characters. Well, as for the rest, they’re relatively nice. Though we share rather different idiosyncrancis, its the goodwill of everything they do that we all can feel. Just a random thought. Where guys are concerned, EGO is a big issue. Which sucks sometimes.

Well, but again, its through such instances where you’re out of your comfort zone where you really learn, learn the unwritten rules of work. As said versility.

The guys met up last weekend. My gawd, I miss them man ! totally.

Anyway, I started my diploma in business just last week. Marketing is cool alright, you’l learn to see the world in a different light. Although I havent leanrt very much, it has been quite insightful even as of now.

Sometimes, seriously, ignorance is bliss. ; ) And probably I shouldnt be whining.

Guess what I’m like so addicted to this song, really feel like jamming along with it. HAHA. yeah but im a noob drummer, but who cares! seriously . As long as I enjoy it haha.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it’s lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it’s too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it’s lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it’s too late,
What about now?

Now that we’re here,
Now that we’ve come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it’s lost behind words we could never find?

AND ! I’m so looking foreward to metting up with 0623 and monic this weekend. Not to mention AHM 21K Whoohoo

This is a really good read. It’s about the loss of an intrinsic satisfaction of doing something after an external carrot is offered, as the initial souce of self motivation( from challenge or meaning or otherwise ) is replaced with an external source of motoivation, hence downplaying the self motivating factor

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/07/27/AR2008072701440.html

And another about the science of counterfactual thinking. ie how we benchmark our achievements against others and how we feel about ourselves. Ay. I dont know how to put it explicitly, but its an interesting read

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/08/17/AR2008081702196_2.html

Time passes, and sometimes I really feel lost. Looking at my brother’s return from his OCIP in Nepal, it reminds me about my own OCIPtrip 2 Decembers ago. Then it reminded me again, not as though I have never realised, how much joy school brought. It was a time when genuine friendships were forged, when life was simpler as all we had to worry about were trivial issues like studying, probably typical teenage popularity issues, crushes and how to get by some lectures which were way too boring. Looking back, I guess it wasn’t such an issue , because of my clique of great friends. Yes, we studied together, we played together, we failed together, went to lanshops together, stayed over at one another’s house together, and I am glad that we still do.

Every time I see students boarding and alighting from busses, going and coming back from school, I wonder, what was it that kept me from seeing this side of school that I now can.

I really miss school now.

The people I meet at my workplace now are so different as they have very diverse backgrounds. It feels so far from familiarity, so far from home, from where I belong. It is impossible to identify with them. Maybe it is because of our diverse educational backgrounds, as I never had such a problem back at BMT !

Perhaps, it is good training for the working world in the near future. Maybe, society requires us to harden up, making it easier to handle the brutality of the corporate world. An article recently mentioned that the dynamics of the work environment actually hinders the formation of genuine friendships, as individual interests and perceptions differ. I do not know how exactly it applies where I am. Probably alot less as I do not see any potential conflict of interests. We are all victims of mandatory national service and we have practically nothing to compete about. Despite that, I still witness people speaking ill of others and hence causing unhappiness. Do they derive joy from such actions? Or is it mere for thrill.

Well, school is good.

Perhaps its the meaning of life I’m missing. Perhaps I dont like being useless, the feeling of being wasted. For some reason, I seem to get tired more easily. I sleep earlier then when I was studying yet I still feel drained. I now appreciate so dearly, how hectic, fulfilling and well spent JC life was though seemingly painful.

I have no idea how much discipline I’ve lost. I have not read the papers for the past week although I had all the nights to myself.

I need to snap out of it.

I am committed to finishing my friggin application tomorrow !!

Life hasn’t surprised me yet. Everythings pretty mundane, although I try to spice it up. I’m starting to get what James meant when he said that age brings depression. Probably not exacally as serevere as depression but it sure is a bore. Probably I need something more in life.

I take that back. I will find back the feeling that I had 2 years ago. All the enthusiasm, hype and hope about tomorrow and the day after. I have so many reasons to feel glad about and I have absolutely no apparant reason to feel down.

so whatever…   : ))

With age comes surprises   depression

: ))

I’m jelous of greg. I want to be like him, and I will make an effort to do so

Fuck off understand

Theres a reason all 5 or 4 of your relationships failed. Why you fell out with your friends and all thats left are those you flirt with. You have like 1 good friend, and a few temporary friends whom you would not hasitate to disregard when they loose their lustful appeal ? All thats left are mere aquaintances?

I pity your social life. I despise your attitude. I dont flirt well but damn at least I’m sincere with my friends.

Use that grey matter between your ears to think, not your fucking

GLANDS  understand.

If you dont reflect you’re a total looser

anyway A level results was alright

 AABBS. update again.